FAILURE.

Written by 2 Comments


Yup, it happened: I’ve messed it all up.

I’ve just failed my driving exam. I know it’s not big deal, I know there’s people dying and starving and I don’t have the right to complain, but for a second, I’d just like to lose it. And I did: I cried and I sobbed until my head was hurting, which brings us back here, now. I’m sitting on my bed with my eyeliner smudged and one of the worst headache ever, and I keep hearing the words ‘Gosh, you’re a horrible driver’ in my examiner’s voice ringing through my head. What hurts the most is that I gave my 100% and I even thought I wasn’t going so bad until the examiner spoke his mind and, well, you know the rest.

I’ve been thinking about it for a couple hours now and I’ve come to the realization that I’ve hardly really failed in my life before today, especially because I’ve hardly even tried and, let’s face it, hardly even lived. I’m just 18, a child, and even though nowadays you have people making billions and traveling the world at my age, truth is I still have many years to come - hopefully - and probably also many disappointments and many failings ahead of me, and today I kinda opened my eyes on that.

So what should I do? Keep trying only when I know I will succeed just like I did up until know? Or put myself in the game knowing that sometimes, even if I give my 100%, I will fail? But then again, do I really have a choice? Can I chose to not apply for that job, or stay at my parents forever or not even try to leave this town? Can I? And could I call it living? And am I sure this will keep me safe from disappointments? I don’t think so. Life’s a bitch and, luckily or unluckily - depends on how you look at it - I’ve only discovered it after 18 years of living. Now all I’m left to do is have faith that next time it will go better. Am I scared? Obviously. I’m scared to death, scared to keep failing and being a loser for my whole life, scared I’ll never do something good with it, scared all my dreams won’t come true, fucking scared to death.

But I’ll keep on living, keep on praying things will get better and I won’t be fucked by life again and again.
Just finger crossed.

And yes, this is all because I’ve failed my driving exam.

Oh, teenagers.

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  1. gewoonwegbelachelijk7 August 2014 at 17:44

    I do understand how you're feeling. I had to take my drivers test 2 times, so I also failed the first. Just try to keep calm and don't rush. And yes life is a bitch :)

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    1. Linda M.9 August 2014 at 13:27

      Yeah, keep calm and just drive, right? It's amazing how many people have told me they'd failed their test since I've failed mine... I'm starting to think it's all just to make me feel better! haha

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